Tangled Tree

Tangled Tree

Pondering a bit today about my reason for living as I am now and what I want to do in the future.

I think this is the reason while I started this blog, because I am having trouble working it out.

My problem is that although I love my job, most of the time, I have doubt and fear about making mistakes, worst still I have been getting more anxious over the last few years. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t make mistakes, but the fear of it is my problem. I want to run away, A LOT.

Anyone with any sense would say: ‘look at what it is that makes you like this; deal with it; don’t run away’ I would say it myself to someone else. I need me to find ways to cope.

I am not sure that the reason I want to travel at all is because I am unhappy. I have also become restless. I spend a lot of time working at making small amounts of money on survey and video sites to make the travel dream doable. I reckon if I put that much effort into my work I wouldn’t worry. But here’s the thing. My work mojo has disappeared. There is no progression and in my current state I am not up to it anyway and I don’t want it either.

Although I have worked in this job for eight years I have been in my profession for 29. When i moved into this job I went from 20 hours to 32 hours a week, from nights tot days. I have given up a lot because of it. I have not energy for other things the way I did. this maybe just because of life in general anyway but it is causing be to be unhappy underneath. I have been feeling emotionally down, flat, sluggish. Earlier this year I had serious bout of depression for about three months.

I feel like I am wasting my time right now.

I have just read the above and realise how sorry I feel for myself. I have given some thought to what I can do:

Here are my options:

Plan A: work for a few more years, take a year off and travel, go back to work in my current job until 55 (when I can get a work pension and a lump sum),then do something else, enough to earn enough until my in-laws need looking after, could be sooner rather than later that one… after that who knows.

Plan B: work for a few more years, take a year off and travel, return but maybe not go back to work in my current job, but do something else, enough to earn enough until my in-laws need looking after etc…

Plan C: Stop work now, do something else instead, sell the car and live frugally but don’t travel as all savings will be used up clearing the mortgage.

If I leave work now or in my current plan I will lose pension rights until I am 67. In my family no one has made it to 60 for a few generations so I am not hopeful I will ever receive it. Plan A is the most sensible option but it is 6 and a bit years until I am 55, it seems like a long long time. If I wait to 54 and take the eyar off I can retire but even that may be a problem with my physical health being a bit rubbish and unlikely to improve bar general fitness.

I am stopping there now I have put it in black and white. I think the wait and see option may be the best for me. I have a few more years to think about it and maybe by then I will have worked it out.

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